| Assertory Impulsive Kulit Abstruse | |||||||||||
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Sunday, August 24, 2003
went to UST yesterday to check whether or not i really have a hormonal imbalance. we got there at about 1:30 pm. the doctor arrived an HOUR and 10 minutes LATER. and to think that his supposed sched is from 1-3. oh well...i'm really not patient so that time span was a BIG thing for me. but...dr. vio pretty much made up for his being late. he was SOOO INCREDIBLY EXTREMELY NICE. i think i've developed a major crush on him. hahaha. and to think that he's the FATHER of...tsk tsk tsk! now i know where he gets it from. his dad is like the MOST CHARMING man i have ever met. makes me wanna rethink HOW i'm going to be a part of their family. hahaha. joke. but seriously speaking, if he and his son were of the same age, i'd most likely go for HIM instead. of course, my MOM and i have the SAME reaction towards him. but then, my mom is PIGIL. wahaha. i'm guessing my mom is going to be even MORE supportive of dr. vio's son. i mean a guy with a dad like that could only be nicer or just as nice as he is. that doctor's appointment really shook my world. my hopes for UP are slowly going down the drain. i am suddenly so enthusiastic of going to UST, you'd think the drama events i've had over the past months over UP have not happened. i'm looking at my future through a whole new perspective. i'm one by one listing the pros of going to UST instead. my life, my dreams have taken a 180 degree turn. truly, it's quite amazing how influential some PEOPLE are. amazing but at the same time, scary. oh..i almost forgot. i had to undergo this ultrasound procedure. dr. vio should've done the procedure on me instead of that chinese doctor who was so rude. oh well...it was really cute how he insisted on having a FEMALE doctor do it. hahaha. i'm glad there isn't anything wrong with me. i guess my situation is normal. better start panicking when i'm already 18. back to those people. or should i say person? love that is not WORTH fighting for is not love. he is WORTH fighting for. and i am GOING to fight for him, no matter what it entails. i WILL. even to a "bloody death". hahaha. i am DETERMINED to make something happen. i didn't deserve him before so i can't really blame anyone but myself. but if i don't do something now, then i will regret it for the REST OF MY LIFE. i simply can't allow that. i will never find peace unless i try. if i fail, so be it. but if i succeed, i'm going to be the HAPPIEST person alive. and that thought is WORTH risking EVERYTHING for. *march 9, 2001...white polo february 16, 2002...white bear white...* //9:56 AM Saturday, August 23, 2003 You- Switchfoot There's always something in the way There's always something getting through but it's not me it's You, it's You sometimes ignorance rings true but hope is not in what i know it's not in me..me it's in You, it's in You it's all i know it's all i know it's all i know i find peace when i'm confused i find hope when i'm let down not in me ... me in You it's in you i hope to lose myself for good i hope to find it in the end not in me ... me in You in You in You it's all i know it's all i know it's all i know in You in You its in You its in You there's always something in the way there's always something getting through but it's not me it's You it's You it's You .... *march 9, 2001...white polo february 16, 2002...white bear white...* //3:51 AM ma...you don't know how much this day meant to me. thanks! you've given me the support and confidence i badly needed. i really appreciate it. i love you. *i BELIEVE!* //2:15 AM Friday, August 22, 2003 this is all because of our new driver. i so totally despise him. ok...that's MEAN but then again, when you've spent your grade school years up to just recently with your old one, you can't help but miss him, more so compare their attributes. serg, i miss you. reasons my wednesday afternoon sucked big time: our new driver DOESN'T know my schedule. serg would have been there an hour earlier. he was an hour and half LATER. he DOESN'T know kuya's schedule. he MADE me wait in the ISOLATED COLLEGE parking lot for 2 whole HOURS. (if serg was driving, i could've gone home OR could've gone boy watching) i was HUNGRY. i mean, i eat after school so i wasn't used to it. i was sleep-deprived and i WASN'T COMFORTABLE having him see me sleep or sleep to begin with while he's there. my head HURT LIKE HELL. i was literally CRYING with my back turned so he wouldn't see. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY did daddy have to get serg?!? got home at 8, tired, hungry and really frustrated. then they were expecting me to be in a FESTIVE mood coz kuya gerry just got back from the states. i couldn't help it. my tears were flowing FREELY while they were FORCING me to eat pasta, burgers and cake. i took headache medicine and went to sleep. the thing was, i couldn't sleep. after observing myself for hours, i STILL had a headache. i began panicking, all sorts of thoughts came to my head. i was planning to go to school if my headache would subside in the morning. woke up the usual time and it was still aching. my mom FINALLY cared to bring me to the hospital for a check-up. i got my blood taken and this doctor was predicting i had hormonal imbalance. anyway, even though i was sick, no one was sympathetic. they LEFT me alone (except the help) to go to duty free. and...mom was FAVORING schuy so MUCH. i mean, it's ok, i usually hardly notice. but PLEASE try to understand, i'm SICK. oh well...whatever. i just consoled myself by watching meteor garden 2. haaaay...life. what is wrong with me? it still aches... //2:26 AM Tuesday, August 19, 2003 deciding not to see you might be one of the greatest decisions i've ever made in my entire life. seeing you would bring out a lot of emotions i wouldn't be able to control. it would just hurt too much and i'd find myself falling once again for you. i'm glad i still have the resolve to move away. i know forgetting you would be impossible. but trying to move on isn't. i would never know if you're really THE ONE. i guess i'll just have to wait a year. if we are meant to be, then we are. but if we're not, i won't give up on my happiness for you. there will always be a part of me that will love you. but i have to let you go though you've never been mine so that i can be truly happy. *since the day we grew apart, i've changed...i've become older, wiser and more mature. but there's still a young STUPID part of me. my heart that has never stopped loving you.* //9:48 PM Monday, August 18, 2003 u text a friend from long ago a quote. he replies with a quote as well. u then text him another quote. he replies with a message asking how you are. you reply with an answer to his question as well as a question about this NEW guy you like. by a twist of fate, this friend and the new guy are classmates. instead of going back to sleep, you call a friend. she answers the call wait and you agree to call her after 5 mins. this happens while you and your guy friend are still texting. you call him instead...suddenly realizing you still have his number MEMORIZED. you first talk about the new guy you like. he shares with you stuff about him. you catch up on the old times. a lot of jokes, quips and whatever else later... you get the guts to ask him about his gf nonchalantly. he enthusiastically replies that they're still together, almost one year. you go back to the friendly conversation. he excuses himself for a sort while. while he's away, you feel your tears forming. he comes back, greeting you happily. you reply, trying to shake away the tears in your voice. you talk some more and before you realize it, it's been almost 2 hours. before you say goodbye, your crush texts you goodnight. suddenly, it has no effect whatsoever. you put the phone down. tears are forming, you begin crying. you then realize whatever happens, he's still THE ONE. he's still the one you'd be longing for forever. he's still the one you'd hope to be your escort in your debut. he's still the one you'd want to call if something great or bad happens to you. yes...he's still THE ONE. and it's SOOO SAD, you're NOT the one for him. *it's been more or less three years. after a relationship and lots of crushes, i can't get myself to believe...my heart still longs only for YOU.* //12:14 AM Sunday, August 17, 2003 i guess someone will be singing me this song...REAL soon! Mr. Suave by Parokya Ni Edgar Nasa ulap ba ang iyong mga mata? Mukhang malayo ang iyong pagtingala Pakay ko lamang na ika'y pangitiin Ito’y aking lambing Subok na ang aking pag-ibig Ikaw lamang sa buong daigdig Tumitibok na puso ko’y dinggin Sumama ka na sa'kin Chorus: Ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Habulin ng babae Araw man o gabi Oo ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Hayup kung dumiskarte Wala silang masabi Kaya't H'wag ka nang malungkot Problem'y ibaon sa limot Pagkat nandito lang ako umiibig sa 'yo Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) At kung kailangan na ika’y paligayahin H’wag mag-alinlangan na ika'y lumapit sa akin Hatid sa atin ng swabe kong bigote Ang smooth na smooth na kiliti Pagkat ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Habulin ng babae Araw man o gabi Oo Ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Hayup kung dumiskarte Grabe na sa swabe Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) (to fade) *i'm so happy...* //9:01 PM Friday, August 15, 2003 ARTIST: Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman TITLE: Suicide is Painless Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see, that {Refrain} Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please Try to find a way to make All our little joys relate Without that ever-present hate But now I know that it's too late And {Refrain} The game of life is hard to play I'm gonna lose it anyway The losing card I'll someday lay So this is all I have to say That {Refrain} The only way to win is cheat And lay it down before I'm beat And to another give my seat For thats the only painless feat 'Cause {Refrain} The sword of time will pierce our skin It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger, watch it grin For {Refrain} A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be And I replied, oh, why ask me 'Cause {Refrain} And you can do the same thing If you please //12:27 AM Thursday, August 14, 2003 there are some things you don't dwell too much on, bulldozing your way towards it without even realizing what you've got yourself into. you finally reach your destination. once you're there, everything seems GREAT at first. you're in this moment of pure BLISS that you hardly notice anything else. then reality hits you...HARD. it isn't paradise, utopia or heaven. it is real, plain and simple. suddenly, you want things back as they were. when you were free to dream, to imagine, to create a perfect relationship. you find yourself in a situation where you can't budge. you're stuck there and the only way of getting out is giving up. you remember all the work you've exerted for this endeavor and begin to get so confused with your decisions. what will you do? admit defeat and move on forever holding on to the question "what might have been if we...?" OR hold on to what you've accomplished? you're already there. might as well give yourself up even more. but then again...there's the question, what if the reaction you'll get ISN'T what you were hoping for?what then would you do? *this is so sad. i thought everything would be fine and dandy afterwards. i was so wrong. i can't back out now though. but what if...i HAVE to?* //11:41 PM Wednesday, August 13, 2003 monday was ok but then it became hellish coz of the read speech. i had SUCH a short one...really wasn't made for 2 minutes! and i don't get why sir JUST HAD to READ it out loud! oh well...the deed is done. i'm glad it's over. yesterday was great! hahaha...i so LOVED it. we just spent the whole day listening to talks advertising their schools. thames was great! hahaha..arwin was there. along with "my" alfie's look-alike, joel santos. hahaha..coolness man! the tiklop game went bogs' way. love me for that question! hahaha.. karls..we are in synch. i can't believe we did the SAME thing and made the SAME mistake at the SAME time. i hope the other tianx appreciated our effort for making that crossword puzzle. it was really fun. must immortalize that moment. and of course...lunch time. haha...i so LOVE our dance! yeah...gino, you are my IDOL! hahaha. "it's foreign on this side..but it feels like i'm home again." yeah. "orayt"! ens...i hope you rule as our "dubber". and bogs...dao ming fong! hahaha. beba...do the bailamos dance. i'm really excited about the cl presentation. gaguhan time. hahaha. *i can't deny that i drift sometimes even in these loving moments to summery fields i call my own where i can lie and in them feel at one with my death with limbs outstretched Moments-Red House Painters* //12:57 AM Tuesday, August 12, 2003 the CHALLENGE is NOW OVER the weird/funny/confusing thing is i LIKE HIM... even MORE now. //12:13 AM Sunday, August 10, 2003 blogger is IRRITATING! it makes you believe that what you've posted hasn't been published then you'd see all three messages you typed! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! anyway, read this book entitled MARRY ME by Sarah Ball. fun story about a girl being so caught up with her crush a decade ago that she neglects to see her bestfriend loving her silently all along. KILIG! sobra! :) //9:56 PM this is my THIRD try of posting. SHIT.. You just don’t realize what you’ve been missing until it comes up and bites you. I spent the day with a friend who I haven’t been with for sooo long. I didn’t expect I’d feel this way, this sort of regret for everything that I’ve missed. I know it is mostly my fault. I had let my pride and insensitivity get in the way. And yes…we grew apart. So many things have happened. Friendships with other people have grown stronger, times have changed, and we’re both different people right now. Still, I long to bring back the past we had; the moments when everything was so simple and that there weren’t people around to complicate things. I guess things can never be the same again. We’re both happy with our lives right now. I can’t expect her to change nor adjust because I’ve suddenly appeared in her life again. I just hope that whatever we shared before would be enough to rebuild the friendship destroyed by neglect and apathy. from "Sorry to a Friend" by Edwin McCain She said whatever happened to you You took the cowards way out again And I guess all my fears were true The words are all gone, the time's been too long But it's not too late to say I'm sorry to a friend Sorry to a friend Like a stone in a stream Life smooths all our edges 'Til we barely make a ripple any more But those times in my life will live with me forever But we're not that same people that we were before And I'm sorry for the times we missed and the times that I blew it I've got so much to tell you I don't know where to start Maybe I'll find a way, maybe you'll help me do it 'Cause friends like ours should not be apart And I'm sorry to a friend Well now I'm sorry pare..thanks for the fun time! i miss you! //1:08 AM Saturday, August 09, 2003 the exam week has come and gone. i'm glad it's over! except for having half day classes, it was basically just the same. i mean, i did the same things i do every night as though there weren't things to study. oh well..whatever. we had an impromptu, unplanned whatever earlier where we just hung out in katipunan for 5 hours. haha..we ate at world topps and the mango crumble was simply DEATH. then we went to national. was so funny. we were like this "book club". we all had books when we went to mcdo. mcod is the place to be if you want to see people. haha..saw a LOT. even saw bestfriend bunny rabbit. we were so bored that karla and i decided to make this crush web. funny how some of our crushes overlap especially ... hehe. then of course, we just HAD to play the tiklop game. hehehe..i'm really excited to get new seating arrangements so i'd be able to play the tiklop game during j-hun's class! hehehe.. things aren't great but they ARE better. i'm so glad that i asserted myself. better than to have what-ifs in the future.. *he is a renaissance man...waaw* //12:07 AM Monday, August 04, 2003 after TWO hours...i'm "orayt" na. hahaha... the weekend was certainly HAPPY. i woke up 5 AM saturday not coz i'm scheduled for upcat in the morning but coz i went to mass at 6. special intention...passing upcat! was totally panicking AGAIN for the nth time so i watched meteor garden 2 episodes to get me to relax. *yeah* it was heaven...VANNESS! the upcat wasn't what i expected it to be. it wasn't difficult. so i'm just REALLY hoping and PRAYING i'd make the cut. even if i'm sent to baguio...please! i HAVE to get in. seriously...i can't think of another school i would KILL for. anyway, first, i'd like to thank ALL those people who've been sooo PATIENT to listen to all my stories about him. thanks for all the support. *tear* i especially want to thank four people who made this all possible. enya pare...thanks dear. you are SIMPLY the BEST. no one is as patient or as supportive as you my dear friend. i love you. to 2 guys: thanks for ALL the help. to this other guy: thanks for the "final" push. it made the difference. so anyway...i've FINALLY unraveled some of the mystery behind HIM and i'm happy to say i'm NOT the least bit disappointed. i had dreamt of such a "perfect" guy IN him and it's sooo incredible that he actually comes CLOSE to this fantasy guy. *it wasn't heaven...it wasn't death... BUT...it was REAL.* //8:05 PM okay...i am on the verge of tears once again. i can't believe it. after having a terrific weekend, (the details of which i hope i'd be able to write about later if i'm up to it) i'm having a terrible monday afternoon. it started when i was telling my mom about the HUGE mistake i made with the gross annual income figure i placed on the UP application form. i LITERALLY, TOTALLY invented coz my mom was NO help. then my brother jumps into the conversation. mom: kung si jec nga muntik na makapasa... kuya: eh KASI nilagay ko ung TAMANG amount aika (muttering to self yet hoping my brother heard) : eh bakit? IBA naman UPG natin ah.. it was sooo frustrating. instead of trying to help me or comfort me, he's in this bitchy mode. what is HIS problem? bitter coz he isn't in UP right now? well..i'd just like to say, ME GETTING INTO UP WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE! AS IF HE'D BE ABLE TO CHANGE THINGS JUST COZ I GOT IN. i am sooo PISSED. what the HELL is his problem? you CAN'T bring back what happened so why not just TRY and be happy for me? why not TRY to be the supportive older brother i NEED now? NOOO...he HAS to act this way. well...FINE! if that's the way he wants it? then i'm all up for it. i'm EVEN MORE worried right now if that's possible. i mean i might have just forfeited my chance of getting in the college of MY DREAMS because of that STUPID FIGURE. how was i supposed to actually care about that when i was concentrating on actually being able to pass the applications on time? ok...this is it. might as well kiss all my hopes goodbye. i still am waiting, hoping for a miracle though. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! //5:27 PM
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