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Wednesday, October 01, 2003
ok..after what seems like a million years, i'm posting once again. hehehe..life has been hell. i'm missing the good old days. oh well.. anyway, i've been wasting my precious hours on making this so-called letter that evolved into an art work. whoah..that's what happens when you love someone. sadly..it's unrequited. why dennis is good news to me? 26 reasons...1 for each letter. E-because he is the epitome of the least egoistic guy (i hope he still is after reading it) I-because he is ideal R-because he is an almost impossible reality tsk tsk tsk... you'd think everything would be fine and dandy after i've made it. he said he'd get it from me this week. cool right? but no..this had to happen. 10 AM me: hey, pwede mo po b kunin ung letter today since i'm staying in katipunan till 5? SEVEN hours later... him: Ei, i cant..Sowee n0w lng,bz sched e,dami ggwn.. me: okie..so u'll get it tom or fri nlng? :) him: Bgay m ky mei. Pnta ata sya katpnan.. fine..so is this his way of killing me? if it is, then i've already died a million times. i mean, it's really alright that he won't get it. sure, i wasted valuable time on making that "letter" but then it's no big deal if he's really busy. he doesn't have to mention HER. yes.."pampalubag loob" ung events that happened after. me: ah..tlga? cge..ok lng, i don't think u really need it nman eh. him: Uy, nd kaya! Its impt n0h, tlagang im all tied up..S0wee i'll get it sumhw, puro finals n kc e..I'll thnk of smthng, s0wee pnprblma m p 2ly me: ndi, ok lng tlga, wag mo nlng kunin. him: Kailngn k tlaga, kkunin k n lng dis fri or smthn.. Tnx tlaga, tlagang hell month eh. :) txt u n lng. AND..for the first time, i didn't reply. whoah.. *it's a sad thing to be hurt by a jerk... but the thing that will hurt you MOST is to be hurt by a REALLY NICE guy without him realizing he has hurt you. it hurts so much when you love someone and he does something unintentionally to hurt you.. AND he doesn't realize he has because to him, you're just friends* //7:14 PM Sunday, September 21, 2003 i SHOULD blog regularly...i SHOULD but i'm not. hahaha..oh well. last week was fun! i SOOO love our song for the music group presentations. nang batis lamang ang tumatangis at ang pag-ibig ano'ng tamis alalahanin gunitain kahapon nati'y sariwain and i'm REALLY excited about the chem magic thing! haha..paola is my "GIRLFRIEND". MOVE OVER ARWIN! hahaha..cool, for the nth time, i'm a GUY once again. oh well, it's a GREAT excuse to borrow HIS clothes. diane and i went over to his house AGAIN to borrow his clothes. and it was funny how we were able to make the SUPPOSED "daan" last for 2 hours or so. we left his house, 11 pm. if his dad hadn't shown up, we probably would've left so much later. they were so FUNNY. they played langit lupa! how weird at the same time CUTE. this is getting too difficult for me. i mean, i'm FALLING EVEN MORE INLOVE with HIM every SINGLE time. and the thing is, SHE is SUCH a REALITY. i mean, diane was able to see the contents of his phone. yes...i'm flattered and KILIG that he saved more of MY CONVERSATIONAL messages in his inbox however, he's got this folder entitled uoyevoli for HER. and it SUCKS...he EVEN showed us his pictures with her. yes...i SHOUDN'T get angry or something. after all, what can I DO? she IS his gf! however, a part of me can't HELP but ask, why CAN'T it be ME instead? WHY? and...it isn't a battle anymore between his gf and i. it's between his gf, me, and his classmate!!! my god...WHY? NO ONE wanted him before. it was JUST ME. when did he become SOOO DESIRABLE? and WHY? is it because, 5 years from now, he'd turn into an ANDREW ARELLANO? no... it's hard when you expected he'd be YOURS FOREVER. you take him for GRANTED, NOT realizing that whatever YOU find attractive in him COULD and WOULD attract OTHERS as well. *i THOUGHT you were and will always be MINE. i guess NOT.* //8:32 PM Monday, September 15, 2003 ok..it's been a week since i last wrote. i actually don't want to blog right now coz i'm too lazy. oh well.. haha..i won't say anything about my week anymore. i forgot the stuff that happened to me. my friday was fun coz i spent it with diane UNFORTUNATELY, everything went WRONG for ME. that's life. it's ALWAYS that way. parati akong DEHADO. hahaha.. saturday was my acet. it's funny how thoroughly calm about it i was. so different from my panic state during the upcat. it was relatively easy except for the math part. hahaha..shot gun!!! b or c? take your pick. a REALLY embarrassing thing happened to me after the test but then, i'm not recording it here. it's too incriminating. haha.. the concert was SOOO WORTH IT! despite the rain, the mud, the pandemonium, my hunger, the EXTREMELY RUDE men, VANNESS, you were WORTH IT. i'd go through all that and MORE for HIM. he was SOOO HOT. i LOVE him! btw, i love you beba! thanks for saying that HE looks like jay of the sunsilk commercial. //9:27 PM Sunday, September 07, 2003 my friday night didn't end just yet. i called up HIS best friend to talk about my renewed feelings for HIM. i was the one supposedly with a problem here but his best friend did most of the talking. he ranted for about two hours and i just couldn't get any word in. oh well...i'm extremely touched that he still chooses to open up to me though it's been too long since we've last talked. when he was about to say goodbye, i blurted out my problem. he got all concerned and analyzed my situation. results of the psychoanalytical analysis of dr. lopez is that it's not that these feelings i have came back. it's because they never really left. they were just here all along and i was just in denial, saying i was "over" HIM. the main proof for this are my other crushes. because i couldn't have HIM, i settled for guys who looked or reminded me of HIM. i was telling him i'd better move on and try to deny him once again coz it might work this time. he said, it isn't advisable to try and control these feelings coz when have feelings ever been wrong? now he's praying that i don't make it to UP Manila so i'd still be stuck in this madness of LOVING his bestfriend over and over again. tsk tsk tsk...oh well, he did say, their love isn't enough to last 'til marriage. hahaha..:P that was my friday. my saturday was certainly an event to remember. hahaha..i love you diane! i was supposed to go to diane's house at 9 am. since we were both sleepy, we changed it to 11. i was halfway on my way to her house when i realized i left HIS palanca along with this other guy's palanca i was supposed to show her. it's somewhat crazy but i insisted on going back home to get them. i arrived at diane's nearly 12 noon. we headed to greenhills and ate at pasto where i basically poured out the events that transpired the past weeks. after our lunch, we walked around looking for Finding Nemo and Spongebob stuff. after a few rounds, we decided to change malls and head to Glorietta. there, we basically did 4 things. upo, kain, tayo, picture. hahaha...and to think i'm on this diet. oh well...it was really really fun. diane suggested we hang out at the Rustan's bathroom so we could sit and talk for free. we went there and met up with her mom. they got into this little disagreement so we left and went to the hidden part of the food court. since we were hiding from her mom, diane got this somewhat crazy yet brilliant idea of inviting HIM to hang out with us in katipunan. i told her it wasn't feasible AT ALL coz he'd probably opt to hang out at home and study. we decided to eat at world topps for dinner so we left G4. on the way to world topps, we began making up all sorts of invented stories, reasons and excuses to be able to see him. after a lot of laughing and getting hoarse throats, we finally came up with this "acceptable" excuse to see him. the so-called excuse was that, i had to get letters from 5 of the most influential people in my life (diane's idea) for my Corinthian recollection (my idea). now that's a lot of crap but he believed it. hahaha.. at world topps, i was sort of "panicking" coz my outfit had i love yous printed on them and diane was teasing me that she'd tell him that those messages were for HIM. after eating, we headed to mcdo to use their comfortroom. instead of heading straight to the cr, we sat around once again, waiting for his text saying that he's already home. diane said she had to charge her phone so we were planning on how we were going to ask him to make our stay longer. hahaha...after a few minutes, he texted saying, "kunin mo na, wait for u outside." after getting this, we headed to the cr finally and took our time there. then we went out and looked for a taxi. after seeing a LOT of taxis earlier and counting them one by one, now, there was hardly one passing by. finally, we were able to get one. because we were hurrying, i wasn't able to close the car door fully. this could've happened. HEADLINE: 16 yr-old, NAHULOG SA TAXI, NA-INJURE, PINAGTAWANAN NG KAIBIGAN, HINDI KINILALA NG TAXI DRIVER. SERIOUSLY, the car door opened!!! and if i was just leaning on it, i could've fallen as well. it was funny, REALLY funny. but also quite dangerous. i'm glad i'm still here right now, able to blog about this. we finally got to his house and he REALLY WAS waiting OUTSIDE. poor thing. and to think we were taking our time. we assumed that the reason he wasn't texting was that he took a bath and everything. but then, he was still wearing porma clothes. he told me he hadn't changed yet. so that meant...all this time, he got home and immediately made the letter? awww...how nice. and to think that i really didn't need one. good thing diane had to charge her phone so we got to go in their house. i guess he wasn't expecting this. i sat by the front door coz his sister was watching tv in the living room. diane's phone was set on headset mode so she couldn't hear anything. she asked him if she could use their landline. while diane was using the the phone, he showed me a group pic they had taken that day. i asked it from him but he wouldn't give it. he agreed to a trade though. weird...did he want a pic of me? wahaha.. diane asked us to pose and took pics of the two of us on her phone. (on friday we're going to have them printed! yahoo!) anyway, we basically talked and were having such a fun time when diane's brother texted saying he was already there. i reluctantly stood up and said goodbye to him. he went with us to the convenience store. it was weird once again. i was in the middle when we were walking and both diane and he were walking really close to me. so i let them get ahead. la lang.. we said goodbye and diane told me, when she handed me her phone, he saw it. anyway, i hadn't realized that she was taking pics of us while we were talking. hahaha..now, i have pics to look forward to. we got to diane's house and had our "recap". i read to her the letter. it was 2 pages long. and to think i had told him about it just a few hours earlier. it was really nice. a letter deserving to be read during my debut. i was really touched and it was really sweet. we then realized that his group pic was nowhere to be found. he told me i left it at his house and i should get it next time! yes...another reason to see him once again! i'm in the middle of composing my so-called goodbye letter... *the whole world knows we're meant to be...everyone knows. you might know it yourself...yet in your heart... you just DON'T believe it* //6:00 PM Friday, September 05, 2003 i might regret THE decision i made today but then i hope there IS a NEXT time. my day started out like a school day though we didn't have classes. woke up earlier than the usual time actually coz of a text message. oh well..i'm not pissed. it was HIM. *sigh* anyway, woke up early coz of the english project practice. i made my ESKAPO an hour earlier to get to UST in time for my "meeting" with HIM. i got there probably past 12. thinking that i still had atleast 45 mins more to kill, my mom and i went to the chapel. then he texted saying he'd be leaving soon and was looking for me. so i headed over to the med building leaving my mom in the hospital so it won't be AS awkward as it already is. i looked around for him. then i saw this guy who sorta looks like him. i moved closer to get a better look. it was HIM. with a red cap. waaw..different. i approached him and we talked. i PRETENDED i was ALONE. hahaha..he got all guilty coz he'd be leaving soon so he suggested i come with them to watch swat. a BIG part of me was considering it then he said, "iniintay ko lang si mae eh." those words literally BROKE my heart. i looked at him straight with a big FORCED smile on my face as though i was TRULY happy for him which i am SOOO NOT. i mustered all my strength to GRACIOUSLY refuse his offer. then he suggested that i hang out with his dad. REALLY TEMPTING but i declined as well. he then called his bestfriend who is one of my closest guy friends to cut class for me. tsk tsk..i told his bestfriend it was ok and i could manage being "alone". he then received a text message, shook his head and said "labo!" i'm guessing mae cancelled out on him. his blockmates were really bitchy towards me, even the guys. atleast try to smile when i'm being introduced to you! but no...you have to GLARE at me. oh well..who cares. then he said they really have to go so i said, "sure, i'm going to be ok, bye!" he couldn't take this and LITERALLY grabbed my arm and was DRAGGING me to come with them. it was ULTIMATE kilig! but then, the hurt side of me just HAD to decline. after hearing her name, i just couldn't tag along. now, i'm EVEN MORE determined to fight for him. he is REALLY the nicest guy i've ever met. btw...weird and sort of freaky realization. when HE wore the red cap, he sort of looked like patrick starfish. does that mean that EVERY single one of my crushes are PATTERNED after him?!? whoah. *i'm hoping i won't regret declining. i'll always remember september 5, 2003* //6:54 PM Thursday, September 04, 2003 BURNOUT O wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa akin Wag mo akong kulitin, wag mo akong tanungin Dahil katulad mo ako rin ay nagbago Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali O kay tagal din kitang minahal Kung iisipin mo di naman dati ganito Teka muna lang, kelan tayo nailing? Kung iisipin mo, di naman dati ganito Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay O kay tagal din kita minahal Tinatawag kita sinusuyo kita Di mo man marinig, di mo man madama O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin *sobra...ang TAGAL pero para sayo, kahit gano pa* //9:58 PM finally i'm able to blog after SOOO LONG! hahaha..it's coz of the retreat and my new BAD sleeping habits. tsk tsk..oh well. here goes. the retreat was fun. we basically did 4 things. sleep, take pictures, do pagan stuff and EAT. it wasn't a retreat actually. more of like a break. but who cares? i'm NOT complaining. except for the "new" me that evolved that i don't actually like. hahaha..the highlight of the retreat for me wasn't the retreat ITSELF but the PRE-RETREAT. the so-called MOMENT i've been waiting for CAME. and what happened? i was LATE so i HAD to walk from mcdo katipunan to ateneo hs alone. whoah..i can't believe i DID that. anyway, it's over now. it wasn't exactly the "moment" i dreamt of. actually..it was FAR from it. but i guess i'm partly to blame so i'm just HOPING there's a NEXT time. it was the event afterwards that made my YEAR though. went to his house with enya and tanya. and really..it was a moment of TRUE DEATH and HEAVEN at the same time. he was SOOO extremely NICE. waaw. basically, the whole kilig moment was hanging out in their living room. it was so cute how he was awkward about the whole thing and how he TRIED to be a gracious host. i will FRAME the cookie. hahaha. joke. anyway, i wish he DID get jealous with the holding hands of tanya and enya. unfortunately, he didn't. oh well..still, it was a moment i'll remember forever. i loved him even more coz of this. Ey ingat kyo ha! :) sori 4 d po0r hosting.. Gulat ako eh hehe ey PWZ 150 b yng plate numbr?Bka mali yng ntndaan ko e, txt me f u get werevr ur g0in ok:) tc kyo jan! waaw..he actually cared enough to get the taxi's plate number that we didn't EVEN BOTHER to look at. that was last week. this week was a blast. basically did nothing. the college day yesterday was fun though. hahaha..the people from 1-1 make great sisters. oh..btw. last august 27..or was it early morning of august 28? anyway, i made a vow to myself with enya as witness that no matter what happens, the release of the results of the upcat will serve as judgement day. a time for a new beginning. i'm working on an improved me. maybe i shouldn't see other people anymore so it'd be a surprise when i'm a "new" aika na. oh well.. *i sooo want to get to college and start my pre-med. hahaha..* //9:20 PM Sunday, August 24, 2003 went to UST yesterday to check whether or not i really have a hormonal imbalance. we got there at about 1:30 pm. the doctor arrived an HOUR and 10 minutes LATER. and to think that his supposed sched is from 1-3. oh well...i'm really not patient so that time span was a BIG thing for me. but...dr. vio pretty much made up for his being late. he was SOOO INCREDIBLY EXTREMELY NICE. i think i've developed a major crush on him. hahaha. and to think that he's the FATHER of...tsk tsk tsk! now i know where he gets it from. his dad is like the MOST CHARMING man i have ever met. makes me wanna rethink HOW i'm going to be a part of their family. hahaha. joke. but seriously speaking, if he and his son were of the same age, i'd most likely go for HIM instead. of course, my MOM and i have the SAME reaction towards him. but then, my mom is PIGIL. wahaha. i'm guessing my mom is going to be even MORE supportive of dr. vio's son. i mean a guy with a dad like that could only be nicer or just as nice as he is. that doctor's appointment really shook my world. my hopes for UP are slowly going down the drain. i am suddenly so enthusiastic of going to UST, you'd think the drama events i've had over the past months over UP have not happened. i'm looking at my future through a whole new perspective. i'm one by one listing the pros of going to UST instead. my life, my dreams have taken a 180 degree turn. truly, it's quite amazing how influential some PEOPLE are. amazing but at the same time, scary. oh..i almost forgot. i had to undergo this ultrasound procedure. dr. vio should've done the procedure on me instead of that chinese doctor who was so rude. oh well...it was really cute how he insisted on having a FEMALE doctor do it. hahaha. i'm glad there isn't anything wrong with me. i guess my situation is normal. better start panicking when i'm already 18. back to those people. or should i say person? love that is not WORTH fighting for is not love. he is WORTH fighting for. and i am GOING to fight for him, no matter what it entails. i WILL. even to a "bloody death". hahaha. i am DETERMINED to make something happen. i didn't deserve him before so i can't really blame anyone but myself. but if i don't do something now, then i will regret it for the REST OF MY LIFE. i simply can't allow that. i will never find peace unless i try. if i fail, so be it. but if i succeed, i'm going to be the HAPPIEST person alive. and that thought is WORTH risking EVERYTHING for. *march 9, 2001...white polo february 16, 2002...white bear white...* //9:56 AM Saturday, August 23, 2003 You- Switchfoot There's always something in the way There's always something getting through but it's not me it's You, it's You sometimes ignorance rings true but hope is not in what i know it's not in me..me it's in You, it's in You it's all i know it's all i know it's all i know i find peace when i'm confused i find hope when i'm let down not in me ... me in You it's in you i hope to lose myself for good i hope to find it in the end not in me ... me in You in You in You it's all i know it's all i know it's all i know in You in You its in You its in You there's always something in the way there's always something getting through but it's not me it's You it's You it's You .... *march 9, 2001...white polo february 16, 2002...white bear white...* //3:51 AM ma...you don't know how much this day meant to me. thanks! you've given me the support and confidence i badly needed. i really appreciate it. i love you. *i BELIEVE!* //2:15 AM Friday, August 22, 2003 this is all because of our new driver. i so totally despise him. ok...that's MEAN but then again, when you've spent your grade school years up to just recently with your old one, you can't help but miss him, more so compare their attributes. serg, i miss you. reasons my wednesday afternoon sucked big time: our new driver DOESN'T know my schedule. serg would have been there an hour earlier. he was an hour and half LATER. he DOESN'T know kuya's schedule. he MADE me wait in the ISOLATED COLLEGE parking lot for 2 whole HOURS. (if serg was driving, i could've gone home OR could've gone boy watching) i was HUNGRY. i mean, i eat after school so i wasn't used to it. i was sleep-deprived and i WASN'T COMFORTABLE having him see me sleep or sleep to begin with while he's there. my head HURT LIKE HELL. i was literally CRYING with my back turned so he wouldn't see. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY did daddy have to get serg?!? got home at 8, tired, hungry and really frustrated. then they were expecting me to be in a FESTIVE mood coz kuya gerry just got back from the states. i couldn't help it. my tears were flowing FREELY while they were FORCING me to eat pasta, burgers and cake. i took headache medicine and went to sleep. the thing was, i couldn't sleep. after observing myself for hours, i STILL had a headache. i began panicking, all sorts of thoughts came to my head. i was planning to go to school if my headache would subside in the morning. woke up the usual time and it was still aching. my mom FINALLY cared to bring me to the hospital for a check-up. i got my blood taken and this doctor was predicting i had hormonal imbalance. anyway, even though i was sick, no one was sympathetic. they LEFT me alone (except the help) to go to duty free. and...mom was FAVORING schuy so MUCH. i mean, it's ok, i usually hardly notice. but PLEASE try to understand, i'm SICK. oh well...whatever. i just consoled myself by watching meteor garden 2. haaaay...life. what is wrong with me? it still aches... //2:26 AM Tuesday, August 19, 2003 deciding not to see you might be one of the greatest decisions i've ever made in my entire life. seeing you would bring out a lot of emotions i wouldn't be able to control. it would just hurt too much and i'd find myself falling once again for you. i'm glad i still have the resolve to move away. i know forgetting you would be impossible. but trying to move on isn't. i would never know if you're really THE ONE. i guess i'll just have to wait a year. if we are meant to be, then we are. but if we're not, i won't give up on my happiness for you. there will always be a part of me that will love you. but i have to let you go though you've never been mine so that i can be truly happy. *since the day we grew apart, i've changed...i've become older, wiser and more mature. but there's still a young STUPID part of me. my heart that has never stopped loving you.* //9:48 PM Monday, August 18, 2003 u text a friend from long ago a quote. he replies with a quote as well. u then text him another quote. he replies with a message asking how you are. you reply with an answer to his question as well as a question about this NEW guy you like. by a twist of fate, this friend and the new guy are classmates. instead of going back to sleep, you call a friend. she answers the call wait and you agree to call her after 5 mins. this happens while you and your guy friend are still texting. you call him instead...suddenly realizing you still have his number MEMORIZED. you first talk about the new guy you like. he shares with you stuff about him. you catch up on the old times. a lot of jokes, quips and whatever else later... you get the guts to ask him about his gf nonchalantly. he enthusiastically replies that they're still together, almost one year. you go back to the friendly conversation. he excuses himself for a sort while. while he's away, you feel your tears forming. he comes back, greeting you happily. you reply, trying to shake away the tears in your voice. you talk some more and before you realize it, it's been almost 2 hours. before you say goodbye, your crush texts you goodnight. suddenly, it has no effect whatsoever. you put the phone down. tears are forming, you begin crying. you then realize whatever happens, he's still THE ONE. he's still the one you'd be longing for forever. he's still the one you'd hope to be your escort in your debut. he's still the one you'd want to call if something great or bad happens to you. yes...he's still THE ONE. and it's SOOO SAD, you're NOT the one for him. *it's been more or less three years. after a relationship and lots of crushes, i can't get myself to believe...my heart still longs only for YOU.* //12:14 AM Sunday, August 17, 2003 i guess someone will be singing me this song...REAL soon! Mr. Suave by Parokya Ni Edgar Nasa ulap ba ang iyong mga mata? Mukhang malayo ang iyong pagtingala Pakay ko lamang na ika'y pangitiin Ito’y aking lambing Subok na ang aking pag-ibig Ikaw lamang sa buong daigdig Tumitibok na puso ko’y dinggin Sumama ka na sa'kin Chorus: Ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Habulin ng babae Araw man o gabi Oo ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Hayup kung dumiskarte Wala silang masabi Kaya't H'wag ka nang malungkot Problem'y ibaon sa limot Pagkat nandito lang ako umiibig sa 'yo Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) At kung kailangan na ika’y paligayahin H’wag mag-alinlangan na ika'y lumapit sa akin Hatid sa atin ng swabe kong bigote Ang smooth na smooth na kiliti Pagkat ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Habulin ng babae Araw man o gabi Oo Ako si Mr. Suave Oh grabe Hayup kung dumiskarte Grabe na sa swabe Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x) (to fade) *i'm so happy...* //9:01 PM Friday, August 15, 2003 ARTIST: Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman TITLE: Suicide is Painless Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see, that {Refrain} Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please Try to find a way to make All our little joys relate Without that ever-present hate But now I know that it's too late And {Refrain} The game of life is hard to play I'm gonna lose it anyway The losing card I'll someday lay So this is all I have to say That {Refrain} The only way to win is cheat And lay it down before I'm beat And to another give my seat For thats the only painless feat 'Cause {Refrain} The sword of time will pierce our skin It doesn't hurt when it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger, watch it grin For {Refrain} A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key Is it to be or not to be And I replied, oh, why ask me 'Cause {Refrain} And you can do the same thing If you please //12:27 AM Thursday, August 14, 2003 there are some things you don't dwell too much on, bulldozing your way towards it without even realizing what you've got yourself into. you finally reach your destination. once you're there, everything seems GREAT at first. you're in this moment of pure BLISS that you hardly notice anything else. then reality hits you...HARD. it isn't paradise, utopia or heaven. it is real, plain and simple. suddenly, you want things back as they were. when you were free to dream, to imagine, to create a perfect relationship. you find yourself in a situation where you can't budge. you're stuck there and the only way of getting out is giving up. you remember all the work you've exerted for this endeavor and begin to get so confused with your decisions. what will you do? admit defeat and move on forever holding on to the question "what might have been if we...?" OR hold on to what you've accomplished? you're already there. might as well give yourself up even more. but then again...there's the question, what if the reaction you'll get ISN'T what you were hoping for?what then would you do? *this is so sad. i thought everything would be fine and dandy afterwards. i was so wrong. i can't back out now though. but what if...i HAVE to?* //11:41 PM Wednesday, August 13, 2003 monday was ok but then it became hellish coz of the read speech. i had SUCH a short one...really wasn't made for 2 minutes! and i don't get why sir JUST HAD to READ it out loud! oh well...the deed is done. i'm glad it's over. yesterday was great! hahaha...i so LOVED it. we just spent the whole day listening to talks advertising their schools. thames was great! hahaha..arwin was there. along with "my" alfie's look-alike, joel santos. hahaha..coolness man! the tiklop game went bogs' way. love me for that question! hahaha.. karls..we are in synch. i can't believe we did the SAME thing and made the SAME mistake at the SAME time. i hope the other tianx appreciated our effort for making that crossword puzzle. it was really fun. must immortalize that moment. and of course...lunch time. haha...i so LOVE our dance! yeah...gino, you are my IDOL! hahaha. "it's foreign on this side..but it feels like i'm home again." yeah. "orayt"! ens...i hope you rule as our "dubber". and bogs...dao ming fong! hahaha. beba...do the bailamos dance. i'm really excited about the cl presentation. gaguhan time. hahaha. *i can't deny that i drift sometimes even in these loving moments to summery fields i call my own where i can lie and in them feel at one with my death with limbs outstretched Moments-Red House Painters* //12:57 AM Tuesday, August 12, 2003 the CHALLENGE is NOW OVER the weird/funny/confusing thing is i LIKE HIM... even MORE now. //12:13 AM Sunday, August 10, 2003 blogger is IRRITATING! it makes you believe that what you've posted hasn't been published then you'd see all three messages you typed! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! anyway, read this book entitled MARRY ME by Sarah Ball. fun story about a girl being so caught up with her crush a decade ago that she neglects to see her bestfriend loving her silently all along. KILIG! sobra! :) //9:56 PM this is my THIRD try of posting. SHIT.. You just don’t realize what you’ve been missing until it comes up and bites you. I spent the day with a friend who I haven’t been with for sooo long. I didn’t expect I’d feel this way, this sort of regret for everything that I’ve missed. I know it is mostly my fault. I had let my pride and insensitivity get in the way. And yes…we grew apart. So many things have happened. Friendships with other people have grown stronger, times have changed, and we’re both different people right now. Still, I long to bring back the past we had; the moments when everything was so simple and that there weren’t people around to complicate things. I guess things can never be the same again. We’re both happy with our lives right now. I can’t expect her to change nor adjust because I’ve suddenly appeared in her life again. I just hope that whatever we shared before would be enough to rebuild the friendship destroyed by neglect and apathy. from "Sorry to a Friend" by Edwin McCain She said whatever happened to you You took the cowards way out again And I guess all my fears were true The words are all gone, the time's been too long But it's not too late to say I'm sorry to a friend Sorry to a friend Like a stone in a stream Life smooths all our edges 'Til we barely make a ripple any more But those times in my life will live with me forever But we're not that same people that we were before And I'm sorry for the times we missed and the times that I blew it I've got so much to tell you I don't know where to start Maybe I'll find a way, maybe you'll help me do it 'Cause friends like ours should not be apart And I'm sorry to a friend Well now I'm sorry pare..thanks for the fun time! i miss you! //1:08 AM Saturday, August 09, 2003 the exam week has come and gone. i'm glad it's over! except for having half day classes, it was basically just the same. i mean, i did the same things i do every night as though there weren't things to study. oh well..whatever. we had an impromptu, unplanned whatever earlier where we just hung out in katipunan for 5 hours. haha..we ate at world topps and the mango crumble was simply DEATH. then we went to national. was so funny. we were like this "book club". we all had books when we went to mcdo. mcod is the place to be if you want to see people. haha..saw a LOT. even saw bestfriend bunny rabbit. we were so bored that karla and i decided to make this crush web. funny how some of our crushes overlap especially ... hehe. then of course, we just HAD to play the tiklop game. hehehe..i'm really excited to get new seating arrangements so i'd be able to play the tiklop game during j-hun's class! hehehe.. things aren't great but they ARE better. i'm so glad that i asserted myself. better than to have what-ifs in the future.. *he is a renaissance man...waaw* //12:07 AM Monday, August 04, 2003 after TWO hours...i'm "orayt" na. hahaha... the weekend was certainly HAPPY. i woke up 5 AM saturday not coz i'm scheduled for upcat in the morning but coz i went to mass at 6. special intention...passing upcat! was totally panicking AGAIN for the nth time so i watched meteor garden 2 episodes to get me to relax. *yeah* it was heaven...VANNESS! the upcat wasn't what i expected it to be. it wasn't difficult. so i'm just REALLY hoping and PRAYING i'd make the cut. even if i'm sent to baguio...please! i HAVE to get in. seriously...i can't think of another school i would KILL for. anyway, first, i'd like to thank ALL those people who've been sooo PATIENT to listen to all my stories about him. thanks for all the support. *tear* i especially want to thank four people who made this all possible. enya pare...thanks dear. you are SIMPLY the BEST. no one is as patient or as supportive as you my dear friend. i love you. to 2 guys: thanks for ALL the help. to this other guy: thanks for the "final" push. it made the difference. so anyway...i've FINALLY unraveled some of the mystery behind HIM and i'm happy to say i'm NOT the least bit disappointed. i had dreamt of such a "perfect" guy IN him and it's sooo incredible that he actually comes CLOSE to this fantasy guy. *it wasn't heaven...it wasn't death... BUT...it was REAL.* //8:05 PM okay...i am on the verge of tears once again. i can't believe it. after having a terrific weekend, (the details of which i hope i'd be able to write about later if i'm up to it) i'm having a terrible monday afternoon. it started when i was telling my mom about the HUGE mistake i made with the gross annual income figure i placed on the UP application form. i LITERALLY, TOTALLY invented coz my mom was NO help. then my brother jumps into the conversation. mom: kung si jec nga muntik na makapasa... kuya: eh KASI nilagay ko ung TAMANG amount aika (muttering to self yet hoping my brother heard) : eh bakit? IBA naman UPG natin ah.. it was sooo frustrating. instead of trying to help me or comfort me, he's in this bitchy mode. what is HIS problem? bitter coz he isn't in UP right now? well..i'd just like to say, ME GETTING INTO UP WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE! AS IF HE'D BE ABLE TO CHANGE THINGS JUST COZ I GOT IN. i am sooo PISSED. what the HELL is his problem? you CAN'T bring back what happened so why not just TRY and be happy for me? why not TRY to be the supportive older brother i NEED now? NOOO...he HAS to act this way. well...FINE! if that's the way he wants it? then i'm all up for it. i'm EVEN MORE worried right now if that's possible. i mean i might have just forfeited my chance of getting in the college of MY DREAMS because of that STUPID FIGURE. how was i supposed to actually care about that when i was concentrating on actually being able to pass the applications on time? ok...this is it. might as well kiss all my hopes goodbye. i still am waiting, hoping for a miracle though. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! //5:27 PM Wednesday, July 30, 2003 music: i am currently listening to kuya pat angel's ANGEL cd. (thanks april! mwah! LOVE YOU! no labor fee..YEAH! "orayt!") i just woke up about an hour and 30 mins ago, exactly 10:50 PM. the fire incident earlier was sort of funny (?) at the same time scary. i mean we were at the top floor and the lower batches were just strolling down as if they were in luneta. shit..if it had been a big thing, we probably could've gotten toasted. tsk tsk..goes to show how INCONSIDERATE some people are. it was cool though that t.h.e. was suspended yet AGAIN. hahaha..was having a great time making the a in aika a cute puppy pa naman. oh well..hehe. after hanging with migs, debra, mon, enya and beba for a few minutes, our driver arrived so i had to leave. we went to ateneo to fetch kuya. it was certainly eventful. haha..i mean, i glanced at my left side and there was this guy who looked familiar. i looked again to make sure..and YEAH. it WAS him. enya's beloved guy. woohoo! of course i JUST had to text her. along with mia and beba. we got to the admin building of the college but kuya wasn't there yet. there weren't any parking spaces so i suggested, why not pass by ateneo high school? haha..our driver is sooo NICE. and sooo GAME. he even drived by ever so slowly so i could take a good look. too bad they weren't there anymore coz they had an earlier dismissal today. i did see their classmate though. kuya and i had our dinner about 4 PM at world topps again. it's great. we're bonding again over food. haha..i love kuya. wala lang..haha. i'm getting mushy. i think there are "SIGNS". hehe..i mean, i woke up 10:50 PM earlier then i turned the radio on and guess what song was playing? moonlight over paris. and why am i affected? it was THE song i was listening to when i saw mr. starfish. hahaha..wala lang. the UPCAT is 2 days away. i am a wreck. UP is my DREAM school. i would positively die if i don't get in. i feel the tears coming now..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *i have to discover the so-called "mystery" to end this CHIMERA i have rendered myself to believe* //1:01 AM Sunday, July 27, 2003 "Home" I'm so sick and tired of all these things that drag me down I've got no where to go they say that life is in these hands you give everything you give yourself away you give and still you choke and find yourself running for the door come and take me home lead me to your door take me where you are lead me to your door at least just for a while its some kind of life forever days we're in the cold unfamiliar way so take this fear and fade it out it won't make me sad cause I get sentimental lord in other ways and I don't want to let me down here anymore so come and take me home lead me to your door take me where you are lead me to your door and let me in just let me in and let me leave just let me leave this world come on now let me leave this world at least just for a while i've finally been able to download this song and i've been listening to it nonstop. ang GANDA..simply WOW. just too bad i remember the prom when i hear it. oh well..it's STILL a great song. bout my day..i slept for probably 15 hours. hahaha..great. i still haven't studied for the math and science part of upcat. i haven't finished my ulat aklat. all i did during the moments i was awake was gorge myself with catered food. we had a party earlier. the food was awesome. the guests made me want to escape and head to my room after eating which i did. hehehe.. btw, i also got my brother's grade school yearbooks before i went and had my 15 hours of sleep. mr. starfish was sooooo CUTE! mr. black looked ok, i guess. in fairness, there was one pic where he looked cute. *why can't things be simple? why is it that i can't take things into my own hands? i want progress. i need motivation. a bet maybe?...hehehe. someone please push me instead of holding me back. this is the only way...or probably MY only way. help!* //11:54 PM Saturday, July 26, 2003 what a day! hehe..i can't possibly classify it as anything coz it certainly was DIFFERENT. started this day by waking up at 9, calmly texting enya asking what time our cl project meeting was. she replied, saying that it was supposed to be 9!!! i thought it was at 12! i literally got out of bed, sprinted to the bathroom and took a bath. i was ready in probably 20 mins? but then my mom was supposedly going to use the driver too so i had to wait for her. by the time i arrived at mcdo, it was a few minutes past 10. bogs was the ONLY one there!!! enya on the other hand arrived just a few minutes after i bought food so i had to bring it along during the taxi ride to hi-top where we'd meet mel, the social worker. we got there 30 minutes past the set meeting time but then we assumed she'd wait for us. but NOOOOO..we waited for an hour but she still didn't show. enya probably made a total of more or less 10 calls using my phone just to reach her. we actually bought her a gift..well, it's a token. a clock with Jesus on it which looked really nice but only cost...93 pesos. hahaha..we're cheap. after a lot of waiting and some debating between enya and i, the 3 of us decided to take the risk of going to escopa on our own. we got there via trike and it was simply overwhelming. we probably looked DAZED and LOST coz all of a sudden, about a dozen men came to us asking a barrage of questions. enya was looking at me for help while bogs was so silent. i, on the other hand was laughing coz the situation was so funny. after a lot of considering and deciding whether or not we could trust them, bogs, enya and i rode the trike of this "kagawad". he brought us to the barangay hall and didn't even charge us! how nice..or probably he LIKED enya. hahaha.. so we got there and asked the people there. eventually, we got this brilliant idea to look for the officers of kanlungan in the area. the man directed us to ate joy. we met her then she brought us to this OFW who had mental illness. she didn't seem like it though she was more blunt than the average person. we also visited this guy who was paralyzed. it was sooooo sad to hear his story. i can't believe the company he worked at don't even give him medicine and financial support. tsk tsk..injustice. anyway, it was really inspiring. i want to become a physical therapist now. i want to do volunteer stuff for people like him. one day, i'd go back there. hopefully though, i'd still be able to find him. enya went back to ate joy's house to get the number of mel. bogs and i waited on the street. i couldn't help it. i cried a few tears over the event. the 3 of us went back to hi-top to buy grocery stuff for the man's family. then we ate at chowking. we waited for enya's dad to bring my camera that enya left at her home. enya's dad dropped us off at escopa. we went to the man's house and gave the stuff. we then found out from ate joy that the meeting was rescheduled at 4. we went back to katipunan to get karla. the 4 of us went to mcdo to start our project. we saw tania, andoi and cox as well as 2 A boys. we sat down next to our classmates' table then nikki and joyce joined us as well. atleast we were able to finish some concepts for our project before the so-called meeting. at about 4:15, we realized we had better leave. tania and andoi already left so cox said she'd go home also since we were leaving. it was raining so karla and enya got a taxi while the 3 of us waited. then the HIGHLIGHT of my day happened. i was listening to my phone(radio) when i looked to my left and there HE was. i said.."oh my god!" bogs and cox looked to see who i was looking at. then they were all..why? who's that guy? i was about to tell them when he approached us near the entrance of mcdo and stood there. OKAY. basically, i wasn't able to blurt it out. oh well..i'm so happy. i can't believe i saw mr. starfish of all people!!! certainly someone out there wanted to make up for this extremely tiring day. anyway, we had to leave since karla and enya were able to get a taxi. we said goodbye to cox AND went back to escopa. how many times did we go there?!? ate joy then brought us to the president's house to hang out while waiting for the meeting. after watching the start of lastik man, ate joy told us that MEL cancelled the meeting. GAHD..i hate her for doing this. i mean it wasn't at ALL easy to go there. badtrip! oh yeah..i almost forgot to mention. there was this kid who called us feeling F4. karla was wearing this band thing that sort of..sort of LANG can remind u about dao. then we were 4 so the kid started calling us as dao ming si, vanness, ken and hua ze lei. hahahahaha..karls was dao of course, bogs vanness, enya lei and me, ken. hahaha..uy..beba! ken daw ako! we went back to mcdo to wait for bogs' dad to fetch us and bring us to their place. we were able to finish the concepts and stuff at mcdo and in the car. then we bought food from eg. we were able to catch some parts of the meteor garden bloopers then we ate. we did some project stuff..well, mostly enya. then at 9, i had to leave. i went home. the end. hahaha..isn't it obvious that i'm tired of talking about this day? oh well..tomorrow is another day. i really hope kuya won't decide to go to that sk meeting thing. we have a party here tomorrow as well. shucks! i hate that. being forced to get all nice to relatives you hardly even know. and the upcat is JUST a week away..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! share lang: i'm so relieved i didn't go yesterday to the play. it would have eaten a lot of my upcat studying time, as well as, if i had gone, i'd have been sooooo disappointed. *he is simply amazing. what more will i find out about him? hmmm..* //10:45 PM Friday, July 25, 2003 i missed blogging yesterday. haaayyy..THANK god i survived this day. this has probably been the most harrassing day so far this year. and i'm SOOO glad it's over. yea..."orayt" hehehe i got 5 hours of sleep last night.(that's normal actually but then i get 5 hours BECAUSE of chatting..talking on the phone..downloading stuff) it's because i revised my t.h.e. project since my classmates had works that made you say "WHOAH!" along with that HELLISH graphic organizer for english, the reading assignment for filipino (was cool though! yeah..go gerilya. hahaha!) and the physics and math long tests. we started the day with the physics long test. it was ok although i did invent some stuff. i really hope sir would be as lenient as he is nice to us. had recess with my friends who were cramming the graphic organizer. i merely studied for math coz i finished that THING yesternight. we had the second part of the hrr which had basically almost NOTHING to do with the book. (so why did we have to read one?..) as usual, it took me a long time to write the essay so i wasn't able to write my whole draft on the final one. after a few seconds to breathe..i was writing once more, answering that math long test. i was feeling confident about my answers then my friends and i started talking about it. shucks! i missed reading about the area problem. shit... oh well..life went on. i thought everything was through but NO. i had to endure one MORE long quiz in my elective class. and to think i was actually GLAD that sir sanchez (ex..yikee! hahaha!) was my teacher. sir..you are a sadist just like another teacher i don't want to mention. i'm so glad i was able to get in the car after a few minutes of waiting. i dragged kuya to eat at world topps then slept all the way home. hahaha.. we also got our csat results today. in fairness i did well!!! hahaha..cool. got a 99%. yea man! yea! hehehe..but then it's coz of the science part. basically, if it weren't because of the average scores i'd have probably gotten a LOT lower. of course..i sucked in abstract reasoning and got low in english as well. math was ok. hehehe.. i SHOULD be cramming for the upcat now but here i am writing this entry. hehehe..my mom, for the very FIRST time didn't allow me to go out and watch a play. it's coz she wanted me to start reviewing. actually..that's sooo cool of her. i mean i probably wouldn't feel like studying if she hadn't put me in this situation. guess what?!? mr. black was over at mc last wed! SHIT!!!!! why didn't i see him? WHY?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh well that's life. i thought i was over with this school stuff for the weekend. but NO..we have our cl project to do. tomorrow is another day. bakit pag umaasa ka, malungkot? bakit pag nagmamahal ka, masakit? -fil class..ms. lacson *okay lang..IKAW naman* //8:48 PM Wednesday, July 23, 2003 club today was great. hehehe. i STILL don't like her but then, i'm glad she didn't make the decision on choosing the editorial board on her own. it's cool of her to ask the other teachers. wow...sir fermin said something good about us? he recommended us? naks.. congratulations to: reg: editor-in chief (yes..go boss! "ayoko na magclub!" hahaha) sharon: managing editor mandi: lay-out editor mellow: photo editor pam: circulation manager (?) or editor (?) me: text editor cool..haha. for the first time, i'm ACTUALLY going to do SOMETHING for club. yeah..i can't wait to make all the revisions for all the write-ups and stuff. it's so great that almost everyone..except for 2 people in the editorial board as well as the officers come from uno. it would be a whole lot easier to work with your classmates. and more FUN too. so guys..if you have requests for the yearbook..haha. joke. cl was fun today. haha..was able to make my drawing of patrick starfish. with matching color as well. probably by next year, i'd be an ARTIST if cl continues this way. hehehe..hope by next cl class, the people from the other side would include me in their game. hehe..i MISS having them (who else?) around me during class hours. as usual eng was hell. that formal theme..oh well. math was ok, had an average quiz. physics of course was fun and stress-free. thank you sir for making it easy for us. get well soon. haha.. why doesn't beba like mr black? hmmm.. *a vision is different from a dream. i am not merely dreaming. i am envisioning .....* //10:11 PM Tuesday, July 22, 2003 yehey! i have a tagboard already!!!!! love you mellow! hehehe.. today was okay i guess..i mean we didn't have to SUFFER through 2 WHOLE hours of t.h.e. but then again, why suspend classes at 2 pm?!? where is the JUSTICE there? should've atleast dismissed us at 12. i am SOOOOO regretting this. WHY didn't i go with karls, be and enya to mcdo after class?!? WHY?!? because i wanted to sleep?!? i was able to get home 4 pm so it was basically the same thing if i'd gone with them. STUPID STUPID STUPID. *banging my head against the wall* haha..but seriously. that was such a WRONG move. enya texted me and i KNEW it. i replied but it took her i don't know..more than 30 seconds(?) to reply. so i..called her. of course i couldn't wait to know who she was talking about. and YES..i was RIGHT. it was him. come to think of it..THEY might've been there. mr. black and mr. red?!? shucks! what a WASTED opportunity! when will that happen again?!? the NEXT time classes will be suspended..i don't care. i'm GOING to mcdo. lyrics from track 17 or your song by parokya ni edgar it took ONE LOOK then FOREVER lay out in front of me one SMILE then i DIED only to be revived by YOU ~it's for mr. black. hehe.. *it's been almost two weeks...what am i gonna do? stare at it?* //10:14 PM Sunday, July 20, 2003 got this from an email my friend kris who i met coz of the austalian trip sent me. WHAT I LEARNED AS I MATURED I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. haha..it just hit me. of course..i relate to it. well..i don't stalk though. i research. haha..and there's a difference. shucks! i haven't done my social project nor have i read mga ibong mandaragit. atleast i've started with t.h.e. why is it that i can take time to download stuff, blog and all but i can't do my projects? haha..obvious answer. why am i even asking? *should i..or should i wait?* //9:52 PM enya said that instead of a morning interview with our social worker for our cl project, it was moved to an afternoon one. of course..this was in MY favor. after all..i am such a sleeper. anyway, i arrived at katipunan earlier than 3 pm so i decided to buy film first at national. i was about to get out of our car when i saw a friend of mr. propulsion. "oh my god." serg looked at me with this teasing smirk on his face. probably thought the guy was my crush. hehe..i bought the film and saw karls dearest there. we shopped for materials for her social project. i then received a text from beba asking where we were coz she wanted to go to ateneo. i replied saying we were at national and that we didn't want to go with her. beba then followed us at national. then it began raining hard. thank god there were people in katipunan who let you use their umbrellas for some money. we got to mcdo and of course..enya's theme song, kanlungan was playing. a few minutes later, bogs arrived, and finally enya. we met a REALLY cute kid there. and the kid got EVEN cuter for enya coz of his name. hehehe.. enya and i hailed a taxi while the others waited at mcdo. we then went to the office where ate mel worked. it was funny coz the very first thing that we saw when we got down reminded enya of him once again. it was so funny! hahaha..basically, we just sat there when we had the interview. karls enjoyed taking pictures. and..the paper karls wrote on was really funny, talking about how the five of us were reacting during the interview. i was SOOO touched. i sounded SOOO nice. hahaha.. we went back to mcdo to wait for our rides. as usual beba was the first one to go. karls and bogs were eating in front of me but i couldn't eat coz we were going to have dinner at green belt. thank goodness a few seconds later, kuya texted me saying they we were already outside. i happily said goodbye, anticipating the food feast i'd have. whoever might read this..i tell you, you SHOULD try eating at bubba gump! it was HEAVEN all over again..i couldn't breathe after. i was too full. i think i gained weight again. hahaha..oh well, it was WORTH it. got home around 10:30. i just changed clothes then proceeded to reading my hrr book. hassle! (uy..pola!) anyway, atleast i was able to finish the remaining 150 pages. i really had to FORCE myself. what a boring story with a really confusing ending if you i could actually call THAT an ending. i have to wake up early. have to make my social and the projects as well as start reading mga ibong mandaragit. does the book have a gabay? hehe..and i mustn't forget the english project. i have pm pa tom..actually later. better get some sleep. *should i text him?* //2:04 AM Tuesday, July 15, 2003 Testing..1, 2, 3... //11:15 PM
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